she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
