I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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