In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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