listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
