booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize