I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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