Can Purell be used as lube?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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