I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
