It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
