It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize