I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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