grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
