i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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