i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
