I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
