GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He passed out mid-signature
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
