I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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