here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
