I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
