Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
