you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
