Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
