There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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