I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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