I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
