it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
