im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
