Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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