if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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