just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
