I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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