Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
