Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
