We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
