she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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