Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
