I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Randomize
