So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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