Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
