Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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