i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Someone shattered a urinal.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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