Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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