It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
