it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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