dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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