Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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