so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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