you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The uberlube is also flammable
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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