meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
