i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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