At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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