I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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