How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
