somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize