she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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