She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
