my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
