You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
