if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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