bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
