I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
