just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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